Thursday, 18 February 2010

I am Not a Muslim but an Autistic and 'My Name Is Khan'

San Francisco
Monday, 24 September
Dear Mandira,
Thanks to almighty for keep on watching over me so that I am still alive to have my say again even with the lines from the pages they removed from the diary that you were reading all the time while I was in the hospital bed.
My mom said once, 'When you believe that you are not able to speak what exactly you feel in your mind; try to write down your feelings; a pen and a paper with a painful mind will help you to sketch your feelings if you are patient enough to.' Thanks mom, I always do the same even if it is a single line. The whole world is so strange Mandira; I just don’t understand all these things. Mom used to say always, that there are only two kinds of people in this world. Good people, who do good things always. And others are bad people, who do bad things always. I am so sorry mom that now I am saying there are some other differences among the people, like Believers and non believers. Believers are those who believe in God, fait, money, power or whatever and non believers are those who have no beliefs at all. What they have is only a kind of paranoia. They suspect every one and every thing for no particular reasons; they think this is the way they should be. And I don’t understand who is who!
I am so scared Mandira; scared like in hell. I feel so lonely. I would ask again that “Can we have sex now”? But I know we can’t, because it’s not an act of brain, it’s an act of heart; isn’t it? And it’s now departed. And I feel so guilty now. What my brother said was absolutely true. When I told him about our marriage, he warned me by Islam. Do you know, no Muslim is allowed to marry a non Muslim unless otherwise they accept the religion of Islam. This is the one among the countless truths of Islam with which nobody other than Muslims can easily negotiate ever. I am pretty sure that those who accept and praise Riswan Khan who was brave enough to marry a non Muslim and who was in all way ready to sacrifice himself to rescue the flood victims of Georgia, would never be dared to accept and love Riswan, if he had refused to marry Mandira only because she is not a Muslim. But indeed the truth is that being a Muslim I was not supposed to marry you. But I did, because it’s again an act of heart. But in Muslim’s life, Islam matters a lot and in Islam brain matters more than heart does. It’s not because of the hatred against the non Muslims nor their religion. It’s just because a Muslim should love his wife and family in such way that the Holly Quran teaches. And before that, he should have such a wife and family that the Holly Quran teaches. That means, a Muslims is a person who believes himself as the blessed person who got the great fortune to follow the religion of God. Then how can a Muslim let his wife being a non Muslim? How can he let her being away from the truth that he believes in? It seems to be the greatest sin that he can do to his wife ever. Islam is a fruit to share.
Sorry Mandira, I failed to meet Mr: president again, but I am not tired, I know I have to meet him at any cost. Last time when I met him from only a few meters away from the barricade where I struggled to be the first among the crowd, uttered as louder as I can that “My Name Is Khan and I am Not a Terrorist” but what happened is almost a big surprise for the all Americans gathered and even for Mr: president too. They took me into the FBI custody. It was just so horrible. Mom said if you believe that you are not able to speak what exactly you feel in your mind try to write it down. Thanks mom I do the same always. But mom, you never said what I should do when believe that I am not able to write what exactly I feel in my mind. “My brother was lucky because he could cry”. Mandira, being a prisoner is really not a good thing I was hurt so much. Inside the walls I have seen no Jews, no Christians or no Hindus but only criminals, they are not imprisoned with their religion, there were no charges against their religion, they are traitors to their own faith. And that is true I should admit that. But I have seen ‘Muslims’ inside. “When a Jew kills someone, religion is not mentioned, but when a Muslim is charged with a crime, it is Islam that goes to trial!” I just don’t understand all these. I really want to ask these too to Mr: president when I meet him.
Mandira, I think we are mistaken. Last day I heard Mr: president’s speech. On Thursday, September 20, President George W. Bush gave this much-anticipated speech before a Joint Session of Congress, outlining America's reaction to the unprecedented attack against its people.
“Our war on terror begins with al-Qaida, but it does not end there. It will not end until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.
Americans are asking, "Why do they hate us?"
They hate what they see right here in this chamber: a democratically elected government. Their leaders are self-appointed. They hate our freedoms: our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.
They want to overthrow existing governments in many Muslim countries such as Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Jordan. They want to drive Israel out of the Middle East. They want to drive Christians and Jews out of vast regions of Asia and Africa.”
No, no…president Saab is lying Mandira. His regime is not at all democratically elected. I believe I can prove it. And what he is saying is all not the truth. he is a lier.
I am so eager to meet Mr: president. People recognise me. They smile at me. And star TV reporter says there are supporters for me in America. And I really don’t know why. But now I can understand everything. What I am getting is sympathy to an autistic, not the respect for a Muslim. And they all believe if I were not disabled I would never do all these good things. Sympathy to an extra ordinary autistic patient who is now news in America for being a philanthropist who helped the flood victims of Georgia and who gave the information about another Muslim who is a traitor to his own faith, trying, in effect, to hijack Islam itself. He is a terrorist but not a Muslim. I am a Muslim indeed, but I never want to be and I am not a Muslim model for others to follow. There is no truer Islamic model than Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the world. Those who believe that my deeds are good and its from the Islam, can know the Islam not from the people who misinterpret Islam in order to satisfy their own interests instantly, but from the real sources and that is the Holly Quran and the life history of the Prophet.

Mandira, I know “I am an autistic; but it doesn’t mean I am mad. I am very intelligent”. I read books, a lot in almost all kinds. I travelled a lot. I am not a terrorist, but a Muslim. But I really don’t understand what is wrong in that. FBI officers asked about Osama, Omar and about a number of others. But I don’t know for God sake. And I don’t even understand all these things. What is wrong with Muslim women wearing a ‘hijab’? Mandira “ye bahuth ajeeb lok hei”!! I don’t understand what they are saying. I remember I have read somewhere that “a French woman wearing a veil is a chic but a Muslim woman wearing a ‘hijab’ is a threat to the culture.”!!! I am so scared and so scared my account balance is only $2. I can “repair almost anything” but what I got around me is a lot of damaged hearts, as mamma Jaani said I really can’t repair it.

“I can repair almost anything and I am intelligent too…”

Mandira, my mom said once, my hug gives her peace. And I also was in real peace in her breast with her arms covered me. But now my mom rests in peace for ever. She said it’s hard to live without me. Mom it’s really hard to live without you and it’s very hard to live as a Muslim. I am so scared that they won’t allow me to live. I really wanted to tell Mr: president that “My Name Is Khan and I am Not a Terrorist but a Muslim”. But I am sorry Mandira I should say Mr: president, “My Name Is Khan and I am Not a Muslim but an Autistic”……….
with love and prayer
Riswan Khan.