Wednesday, 25 December 2013


It was supposed to be my day; but they had all the fun. Paul was singing ‘shervone koraale’! Dominick was dancing with Eric and Basith. By the time Lashak made ‘Druvzuska’ cakes and apple pies. And it was almost dark outside. Before we finished cakes, delivery arrived! Chicken and chips for all! And we celebrated the day, for it was on that day I got a call from ‘Amazon’. And an additional job was always luck.

Ruben was not there. I had asked him to come over for the day. But he couldn't make it as he was not well. He was happy about my Amazon job when I called him and asked me; if I remember the days when we carried a bundle of resumes every time with us, and dropped copies everywhere in Luton, Milton Keynes, Dunstable and High town. Job hunting kept us busy always. Finally Ruben got a call from ‘Sports’ at Coventry. We spent some busy days and moments of uncertainty together.

He said missing those days. And that made me feel sad and I said “those days will be forever missed and never forgotten; and hope you would get better soon.”

Ruben and I did ‘job hunting’ together. Job hunting was not an academic time pass; it was part of university life; like assignments and seminars.

One afternoon Ruben took me to Milton Keynes. He said he had an appointment there. And a part time job was knocking around. He was not sure about the number of vacancies but knew that they were recruiting people, so thought of taking me along, to make it together.

It was high time that we hardly took any rest after the classes, spending everyday out searching for a part time job. And we both were desperate that we received no calls.

We met with Fred, the floor manager in ‘Honey Top’. He asked us to leave a copy of our CV, Passport and NI number with the lady receptionist. He took us to a hall where we were asked to wear a long white coat, hygiene caps and safety boots.

It was a huge factory! And freezing inside! There I saw a lot of people in different lines doing the same job all the time. Making the sandwich! The belts in each line were carrying neatly placed bread. They were filling different varieties of vegetables, sauces and mayonnaise on top of them.
The belts moved so fast that they couldn't make it sometimes. They even missed one or two slices! They made mistakes by filling wrong sauce or wrong piece of vegetable.

I saw a man there, walking slowly all over the place, looking around and checking dispatch lot and shouting often. He was not wearing white like others. The people he was handling and shouting at often didn't understand what they were doing. They made mistakes, struggled to keep up. But for him, in there, it was simple and easy. He walked freely; relaxed whenever he wanted. He gave instructions and earned respect. And many among them would certainly hope that, one day they could be that man. He acted like a real hero supervising many people.

When we came out in the same hall, taking his caps off, Ruben said he liked the place. And he was interested in night shifts. Milton Keynes was just one hour drive from our university. And if we take a weekly pass its almost affordable in ‘Arriva’ (Bus service). Ruben was already ahead calculating even the expenses and savings. I was not sure about getting a chance as I was not asked to pop up by Fred; neither did I have an appointment.

Fred was verifying passport and NI (National Insurance) number in his office. Ruben was called in. It took almost ten minutes to finish the interview. Interview means explaining whatever we saw earlier inside; hygiene, safety and some other basic instructions. When they ask; “Any Questions” interview is over.

How was it? I asked him when he came out.

Forget it; Ruben said.

When I asked ‘why’; he said, “They have only one vacancy at the moment”

I asked him “Is that a reason to forget it?”

Ruben was quick to reply and he said; the guy who gave him the reference told him that it was not that difficult to make it for both of us; because they need shop floor laborers all the time. And that was the reason why Ruben took me with him to Milton Keynes. And he felt bad that Fred wasn't ready to take two.

Fred came out and told me not to worry as he had my CV with him and said he would definitely make a call whenever a vacancy comes up. That wasn't unfair from his side.

Ruben was asked to show up on coming Thursday.

Any way Ruben did forget it; he decided not to take that offer; though he shouldn't have done that. But I couldn't forget it. This is how I would remember Ruben always.

Ruben was my batch mate; we studied different subjects but attended classes in the same floor. We became friends on a Halloween day at the students center. I hope wherever he is; he is doing good and making good friends.

And now when I got a call from Amazon, they decided to celebrate it, for Amazon job didn't require me to shift from Luton. Amazon wasn't far and they were happy for me.

‘Shervone Koraale’ was at its best of times. Everyone was singing it and everything was fine except, Ruben couldn't attend the great ‘Amazon party’.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

An Extended Existence

Proclaim! In the name of thy Lord and Cherisher, Who created man out of a mere clot of congealed blood!

Obsessed or not obsessed really matters. When you doubt your memories; obsessions do what a ventilator does when you are medically vegetative. It gives hope, time and assistance to extent the existence. It gives an option to rewind and restart. And it gives a chance to repeat and reappear. And an unimaginable repeated reappearance begins to build existence.

Why do we have ventilators in our hospitals? It makes an extension; perhaps a mechanical extension of existence. And therefore it creates an external subsistence. And it gives hope of recurrence and survival. And hope at times gives everything. And your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness are all about that hope.
An extended existence is always conditional, limited and restricted. But the hope is unconditional, unlimited and uninterrupted.

So, when you are obsessed and persistently double checking things; you create an extended existence of your own alter ego. When you doubt your memories and continuously double check what you have done, like me, you are obsessed too. And no one would ever tell you that; whatever you have done is absolutely well done.
I can see only repeated reappearance and persisting sameness everywhere. As if I am trapped in an impassable maze; which is dangerously confusing.

Wherever I walk and whatever I see force me to rewind to the beginning, to double check and to realize, how tiring is this treacherous confusion!
But it is nothing but hope that makes it repeat. The hope for a fresh beginning; without doubting memories, makes us to rewind it. But it repeats the doubt and makes everything reappear. And an obsessed one would always be in a maze, which is an impassable one; which will be forever confusing and never be solved.
An obsessed one may not reach the destination of hope. But hope will insist him to rewind and recheck. Hope will make him sick and helpless.

There is a fringe of accessibility in obsession; beyond which no psychic vibration can really answer you, if you ask, am I really gone nuts? And once you infringe the boundary; you would even refuse to ask, am I really sick? And when you realize that you trespass the sacred obsessions; you would forget to ask, am I really a goner already? Rest is freedom. And you realize that you are no longer obsessed and free at last.

And what you need is everlasting peace and prayer.

All praises due to Allah, Lord of all words; The one God to whom praise is due forever.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

The Silence of the Lizards

I used to believe that god has given each and every living being a fair potion of grief and solitude in a life time. But I don’t feel it anymore; because I think lizards on my wall have had more than their share. They are terribly alone, sad and suspiciously slow. It seems that they are being confined to an insurmountable solitude and a perpetual grief.

I sometimes think that, they are wasting their entire life by being extremely alert all the time. Some other times, when I see them staring relentlessly, I feel that they are waiting for ‘someone’, without knowing who is that ‘someone’ and when and why is he coming anyway?!

Their never ending surveillance and uncompromising observation even without blinking at harsh tube lights is bit scary sometimes. For it appears to me, to be an ‘informed waiting’ for an approaching destiny; which will be an unbeatable one, for sure. They crawl to a slow and refrain from making any noise; and move as if they encountered a terrible bad omen. They look scared and spreading scary silence all around all the time.

Now I know how much solitude is too much; because I see it every day with scaring silence of the lizards. Even if there are two lizards on the wall, they are apart. There is an illusion of separation which divides the wall and makes them apart. Each of them seems to be the sole survivor of an apocalypse or a holocaust and abandoned after having lost everyone and everything.

The enduring silence persists all along, and day by day I get used to it. There are different ways to be brave and different ways of being brave. And I believe that, they are brave being silent; and persisting silence will bring endless endurance, to both of us.