Thursday, 25 April 2013

I don't like it here..!!

I don't remember the year but July 22nd was a saturday. Just another coincidence as always. Everything remained the same, except my age. My surroundings too appeared having no unusual surprises for the day. I doubt the memory of my surroundings. I feel they always prefer to ignore my presence. I keep on watching their strange appearances all the time. When I watch them here it seems I am apart. What if one day I am no more to check whether I am being remembered or not?. It is true that I left nothing significant anywhere. It was just coincidence that I met people, talked to strangers, made them feel something and sometimes nothing, laughed at jokes, loved, and quarreled. And it was again a part of that coincidence that I too have studied once the same subjects with hundreds of others. I too have walked the same way all alone. I too have ignored the warnings coming late for the classes and I too have had friends there once. But it doesn't give me any privilege to be remembered as I remember them all. Different times at different places meeting hundreds of those strangers passing them for once and for all. Leaving behind turning points of time and space sooner or later.! I am having delusions all around. Of all those troubled delusions I have, the most uncomfortable are perhaps the swaying trees and their falling leaves, making me feel apart. I have uncomfortable distractions. Though I hate the state of being obsessed, I doubt I am obsessed. Memories want to be in love with something which could be a great source of comfort and company. I read, write and often rewrite few of them again. I am even reading my favorite ones twice or more. Why would I be worried thinking of some coincidences happened somewhere around my surroundings if they don't even feel my presence?! Another time in July it was snowing all around me. I remember the year and it was 2009. But not the day; I don't remember that coincidence any more.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Snowing again...!!

I admit mistakes of memories, their presence in my obsessions and their unwillingness to be accountable. But still it doesn't change any thing considerable. I always remember the silence of the snow when it falls without any break. But I think I sometimes forget that it is cold only in memories. I feel like putting jacket on. I have hallucination. Experiencing something which doesn't exist my immediate outside. I have trouble feeling it all the time. I have trouble that nights get extended. It is snowing all over. I find no reason to sleep when it is snowing outside. I find people feeling comfortable when they are together. They walk in the night, they smoke and they throw snowballs. It never hurts anyone. They are for me those who come from places unknown. But I see them whenever it is snowing. Many a time they pass me and leave me behind. Sometimes they take a while to feel my presence. But it hardly happens. I always feel great jealous of long route lorry drivers. They drive long distance their own. I always imagine them crossing the falling snow all along the long way. It is a remarkable night when it is snowing. And the most obvious of all my hallucination is '59 Tavistock street'. A wonderful place to be. I think I start seriously missing another far away countryside. Which is just a passing landmass for those lorry drivers of 'sainsburry's 'superdrugs' and 'river island'. I once tried a part time job in those long route roadways. Another obsession of unaccountable memory.! There are poems I am not able to write. Like an unfinished and interrupted snowfall. I always feel sad about that. I can walk my own all the way to the end. I think I find comfort with the silence of the snow. Now I am walking unknown paths and it snowing all over again. I walk the whole day, whole evening and sometimes the whole night perhaps seeing early hours of the dawn. What matters is the silence of the snow. People passing me. I sometimes watch them making love. Together they make it all about breaking the silence, interrupting the snowfall. I find distance from love making strangers. On every path there is somebody who never finds people identifies his presence and offers him a company. I really don't care. Another handful of things which make no difference to my life. I walk a long way. May be a new way, a new night may be. East or west, i don't know, perhaps too early to fix a direction. Place unknown and strange enough for yet another handful of things which make no difference. And I always prefer to watch things that make no difference to my life. The silence is much better and comfortable.